I heard a woman singing in a tower days ago and today I'm reading a book that makes me feel like decanted me.  I live in Seattle now and I don't have anyone to tell these things.

Glancing down, he noticed a small stain on the sleeve of his shirt.

Butternut squash ravioli.

The next morning he fetched the bleach from beneath his kitchen sink.  Within minutes the stain on his sleeve was gone.  It was as is the previous evening had never been.

I used to work at an IMAX theater.  When you refer to IMAX you have to use all caps.  The building was designed to look futuristic and whimsical, with an emphasis on creativity and education.  We would play the soundtracks to the films over the soundsystem in the lobby.  I heard the dreamy sounds of The Living Sea, Bears, and Dolphins on repeat throughout my 12-hour shifts.  This makes for some surreal memories.

Tomorrow, friends!  Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.  The Anthony Robbins bandwagon is going to be stopping by my place, and I might just hitch a ride.  Self-actualization or bust!

Lately I've felt lessened by proximity with others.  I imagine my Self is like a shaft of light trained on my goal.  When I spend too much time mingling with other people, it's as if my light is diffused by a dirty lens.  I feel scattered, unfocused, innefectual.  I feel as if my true, pure self has been contaminated by proximity to the selves of others as I take on their cast and hue.  I realize this sounds cold.  I hold no animosity to others, it's just a susceptibility on my part to assimilate foreign patterns.  I don't know if that makes sense.  Short and sweet:  I feel like I can only represent my truth when I am alone.

 So how to approach this in a constructive manner?  My initial reaction is to create a tidy hermetic existence for myself with limited and controlled interactions with outside entities.  How crazy does that sound.  It seems logical to hold consciousness of this issue during daily encounters, though that type of controlled cognition has betrayed me in the past.  My rational self decries the idea of dropping the reins (see previous entry).  I suppose blogging about it is a start.

 P.S.

I've set a goal to post a copy of something that I've drawn before Thursday.  It's on the Internet now, so it has to be true. 

I cycle to work every day.  A few weeks ago, I taught myself to ride with no hands.  It's frightening at first, abandoning control and trusting that forward momentum will keep one upright.  With practice, though, it becomes exhilarating and addictive, as well as a great way to isolate the ole quads. 

Then I took a break from biking to volunteer at an I-WET in Westminster.  I was a bit apprehensive, as I'm usually pretty uncomfortable around large crowds and socialization.  Or so I thought!  I ended up having a great time and connecting with several amazing people.  I don't know if I should be thanking the excellent attendees, Diane Hamilton's enchanting presence, or the underpants that I happened to be wearing that day, but I am grateful.  This is big for me.  Rarely in life up to this point have I been able to release my iron grip on daily interactions. 

Letting go has become an important focal point for my life since then.  I've realized that I don't need to consciously process every action I take.  I don't crush every sentence that rises in my throat.  I don't imagine how other people see me; I don't imagine the miriad mistakes I might be making.  Relinquishing that control has let me create connections to others that were not possible before.  Huzzah!

 

 

Hey blog. I'm really frustated.  You see, I'm feeling like there is a lack of integrally-informed discussion on homosexuality.  Yes, yes, I know I'm speaking from a bias.  I have a vested interest in this topic, true.  Is it self-centered?  I don't know.  No, it isn't.  Is it superflous?  Maybe, geeze.  But you know what?  It's something I  want to engage others about.  I should probably do something to make it happen.  But what?

 I'm feeling as if there would not be enough interest to justify a local group.  I'm wary of supporting exclusion.  I worry that enthusiasm would wane after discussion possibilites were exhausted.  I'm scared that it would fail.

 Though I'm proud of my list of excuses, I think I might try something anyway.  But what?

What?

 

That's not rhetorical, by the way. 

Yet another great iteration of the grand tradition that we call Man Night.  Facilitator Ryan put us in the uncomfortable situation of having to voice what characteristics we admire/would like to steal from one another.  I know I wasn't the only one who was skeptical, but you know it turned out to be "hell of beneficial".

The whole exercise brought to light many observations that I hadn't consciously processed.  It was interesting to feel these nebulous opinions that formed over the past few months congeal into something more concrete and defined.  There are a lot of qualities present in the members of our group that I really admire.  Having to communicate that really enforced my dedication to integrating these things into my life.  Overall, I'd give this night of men an 8 out of 10.

Shadow work continues unabated.  I've got this thing where I tend to assume that I have some intrinsic flaw that sets me apart from everyone else.  Imagine my surprise when I spotted that guy for the first time last week.  I'm doing my best to remain conscious of this aspect of myself.  Go go shadow!

I've begun this very paragraph many times over.  I've made commitments, you see, to keeping some semblance of a journal where everyone can see it.  Each time this goal nears completion, however, the fruits of my squishy brainloins seem to meet an unfortunate end at the hands of the delete key.  Not so this time, ho no!  I write this paragraph in spite of myself (but also because it's good for me).  It's not much, but it exists.